In search of myself...

What is in it for me? The constant question in my mind before taking up a task. I don't think I like asking that question but I frankly am unable to give up on it yet. I believe this is the thought in many people's minds and is something I would like to dwell upon. This question is quite dangerous because it could unconsciously cause inaction, or subdued action because the doer at times may not be able to see all the benefits of the action. Also, there is possibility of prioritizing other action with seemingly larger benefits while reality would say otherwise. Disinterest in the benefits while performing the action would help remove far foresight and focus on requisite action. Isn't this what is exactly told in the Gita? Merits and Demerits from an action are not to be thought of as the doer is absolutely in no control of them. What is required is consciousness and devotion to the action to be done and this detachment from the result helps retain poise when result does...

We were taught the "scientific" way in school. What did it say? Ask questions!!! Why, what, when, where, which, how... Endlessly, until you are satisfied with the answer. A good way to learn - a really good way. There was probably an implicit message in there that we didn't read. Let us ponder. As a child, we were forbidden from doing many things - for reasons of safety, ethics, tradition, etc. We couldn't talk back or ask questions about them. A revolt was stirring within. There was the urge to break free and run away from all restriction. Anyone that imposed it was the enemy, no matter how near in kith and kin. As we aged and went to higher classes in school / college, that feeling just grew and slowly, it started to show outside. Rank mistrust, disobedience in the name of being more "educated" than our elders fed that ego within and fueled authoritarian nerves. Today, as we age, as we see our children grow and as we impose restrictions on our ch...

We think all the while we are awake. Or so we think! Of what? Anything. Everything. Everything that matters or doesn't. Is there a moment we aren't thinking? If we aren't, then the very consciousness that we aren't thinking anything is a thought in itself! What do these thoughts lead to? 'What's in it for me' is every human's prerequisite for involvement in something. The very need for a benefit out of something defines our way of life. Thoughts make a man - as beautifully put by Swami Vivekananda. Actions could be faked. Thoughts cannot, because it is an action that presents our thought to the outside world. When I say here that thoughts cannot be faked, I mean it cannot be faked to the conscience. Now is the interesting part. What is this conscience that bears true impartial witness to everything we do? Can it be suppressed? That something keeps ringing in our minds when we act good or bad that tells us if the act is actually acceptable to it or n...

Looks like I was posting about everything else except what was going on within me in most of the posts. This was happening when the title of my blog page spoke of a search of myself. This post is only a promise to myself that this will stop. Further posts would only dwell on what I think I should be thinking of. The beauty of life has marvelled me. I am in awe of its purpose and actually do not understand it. I would love to attempt cognizance and comprehension of my existence at a deeper level. I would love to know if I were talking of the right I. There is so much to ponder over. It cannot be possible that I came, lived and went. There is a larger purpose of the birth; of this very existence. Hoping for uplifting thoughts and action henceforth. All is well and shall be!

For a long time, I have been part of an online social network; started with Orkut and continues to Facebook till date. Obviously, I am also a WhatsApp worm. I am growing old, but still trending right?? So, what's new? Why am I blogging about being part of a network? This is about the dilemma I have that has stemmed from being part of these networks. What dilemma? Read on... When it all started, it was about adding a lot of friends. More friends was a measure of "social richness" if I could say it. So, anyone even remotely connected to a remote friend of mine was invited into my friends' list. In a few days, obviously, I had so many people on my list I didn't recognize and a lot of personal stuff that I didn't want the "not my friends" to see. Why did I end up in this situation? Madness. Plain and simple. Nothing else! Today, I am a lot more mature on such networks. I choose my friend list with caution and don't mind saying the occasional...

I, like most people I am sure have always wanted to go back to my childhood. There is a feeling bordering on desperation to relive atleast some of those moments, if not days. Nobody wants to live a bad life, not even a criminal. So, in earnest to go back to younger days, there is the intention to lead a better life. Something wrong about today makes me want to rewind. So, what's wrong? Or is it something right that I am interpreting to be wrong? Is my definition of right and wrong for myself an extreme expectation? Connecting the dots, I guess I went through everyday thinking that the previous day was better - thereby in everlasting belief that the past was always better than the present. It is exactly this feeling that gives rise to a fear of the future - that tomorrow's present would be worse than its past! Speaking on larger time dimensions, I could broadly classify my life so far into childhood, adolescence and adulthood (in alarmingly rapid succession). Which of these...

I still remember the days when I was reprimanded as a kid for watching cricket test matches on TV, the reason being the predominant lack of a sure unilateral result. Most games would leave bowlers and the viewers brain dead for it would take all 5 days of the test match to go through just the first innings of each side. I would not dare to say that there was a dearth of quality in games of yesteryears for it was then that the ball and the bat spoke more than the players did. It took more than just effort, strength of body and mind and lots of skill to survive a good bowling attack or get a good batsman out. The purist in me yearns for a repeat of this sweet reminiscence in the game of cricket. Wicketkeepers were devoted to their primary skill and displayed elegance of the highest order on the cricketing field with their unsurpassed glovework. They were part time batsmen not expected to play for long but still cause damage with cameos and some unorthodox batting. Spin bowlers gave the...

Percy Shelley did remark quite an era ago that when winter came, spring wouldn't be far behind. His poetic rendition on a beautiful fact of life is true, but I would recommend another season to Mr. Shelley and wish he would be / were already reborn in Chennai to appreciate this fact. So, assuming that the then Shelley, now reborn as probably a Selvaraj, is able to telepathically get the import of this blog, I continue... I was in an air-conditioned car today in the middle of a test track about 100 km from Chennai. It was a good start to a day of testing and everything seemed to be going smooth until about 9:30 am. Slowly, the pleasantness of the confined comfort zone started to express the crude reality of the world outside. The day was actually getting as hot as it was bright. I checked the computer to let the reality of the rising mercury sink in and it was about noon when I yelled with joy at seeing 40 deg Celsius. As someone who was brought up in the natural oven that is C...

I was recently going through the list of Bharat Ratna awardees and was surprised at a few things that crossed my mind as I scrolled down those big names. First, the qualification for a few people to have been awarded a Bharat Ratna was like this... "interim prime minister", "sixth president", etc... Is becoming prime minister or president an eligibility for a Bharat Ratna? This might be an easy question to evade by telling that the work they have done during their respective terms is what qualifies them to be a recipient of the prestigious Bharat Ratna. Second, there are only 3 awardees from the actual list of 41 winners that are living today - Dr. Abdul Kalam, Lata Mangeshkar and Prof. Amartya Sen. Many people have been awarded in the same year as their death, or a few years (2-3 years) before their death. Why would the committee realize that the individual is actually a "Ratna" so very late and so close to their death? I am only talking of the major...

with every dawn, i need to start the fight to set my eyelids apart. each day reminds me i am a clerk who travels a lot to do some work. the beauty of dawn's killed as it breaks by the ride to work and the effort it takes. why should one do this? and to what end? why'd work make all stretch their bend? what pleasure's seen? where's the charm? why anything else than an otherwise calm? it may be the job, if not the money and people at work, sweet as honey. there's one big reason, one above all that makes people keep rolling the ball it is the anticipation that past each day we fend, we move much closer to that evasive weekend!!! HAPPY FRIDAY..........

The drivel in this blog is purely a product of the limitless frustration I have, on the absolutely pathetic and dismal performance of the Indian cricket team that is now staring at another defeat in Adelaide, Australia. The only consolation here is that this loss was on the fifth day, compared to the earlier defeats. Losing is an essential part of the game, but regular loss abroad only tells there is something terribly wrong somewhere. And when India loses, laymen like me actually get the right to criticize; I'll put it to use. Few things went right for India. A famed batting line up suffered in front of persistent and penetrating fast bolwing. I mean FAST!!! Our bowlers were shown all round the park and Australia's run rates were consistently around 4 RPO. That's frikkin high for a test match. Vinay Kumar tried being aggressive by bowling bouncers to David Warner at 120 kph. It was pulled past the boundary at probably 200kph!!! If this was one series to be ignored, what a...

There is no time of the year like Christmas! I just love it. There is no traffic on the roads. No work to be done at office. Deadlines automatically relax by a couple of weeks. And you still get paid for it without exhausting precious privilege leave! I love this time of the year. Celebrating Work, indeed!

The traditional way of annual maintenance of vehicles / machines etc. is called Ayudha Pooja and falls on the last day of Navaratri. This Ayudha pooja was a little special as an incident left me amused! I landed in Bangalore after a hectic Delhi trip late in the afternoon on Ayudha pooja day, only to find my wife waiting for me at home - to wash my motorbike so that she could do the honors with the turmeric, vermilion and sandalwood paste. Obediently (no other choice), I took the bike to get it washed. I was charged Rs. 10 extra for the excess water that had to be spent in washing the bike. I resisted, but the mechanic was adamant that he had to spend a fortune in cleaning my vehicle. I was irritated, but the devil in me made me proud of the distinction! I narrated this to my wife who only remarked that I would never change - her common dialogue when she doesn't find words to express herself or defeat my argument!! Lol...

If the word "traffic" were an adjective in the English language, its superlative would have been called "Bangalore". I have seen really bad traffic jams in many places, but have always known this to be a sporadic thing. Beautiful Bangalore boasts of this on a diurnal basis. Every stretch of road is pregnant with smoking vehicles. The planning authorities are hell bent on having buses stop immediately after traffic signals for a never-ending queue of people to board and unboard, thus choking the flow at a green light. The longest trailers / trucks with absolutely no or capacity load on them can ply on Ring Road during the peak hours at high speeds ranging between 5 and 10 kmph. To top it all, maamaas (traffic cops, as known in Tam land) stop these trucks for money-milking right amidst peak traffic. Pedestrians cross at will at the K R Puram station junction, with no regard for a bus speeding toward them. At their very sight, the bus driver must stop. And ...

This is what pure joblessness can do to someone. Make him blog after an year or so. I still don't find a subject to blog about. But let me try this. A cricket match tomorrow where I am playing with the team representing General Motors @ the NCJ grounds, Bangalore. Looking forward to it. What else? I am married now and people tell me I should be more responsible and should stop playing cricket. I don't know how cricket would affect any responsibility. That my wife loathes cricket is a fact, which would make her frown if I only spoke of the game, leave alone playing it. But that is her, and this is me. I have nothing else to write about. Good luck to me for the match tomorrow. It has been quite a while since I have seen victory in a match. Last 6 matches for Garnet were dirty losses and I am struggling with form. Marriage has generously helped that loss. Don't read a jobless fellow's rant. Go do your work!!!

An unfamiliar tear rolls down my cheek as my fingers grope for the right keys to hit. The news that Ayush passed away almost put a bullet through my heart. The truth still fails to sink in, from the hope that there must be something wrong with what I heard. I disconnected the call last night in my sleep thinking it was the alarm that went off. Persistence woke me up and I heard a very shattered Lays telling me that Ayush was no more. I thought and wished desperately it was a dream, but the dialogue with Vivek confirmed the worst. How could someone with so much fire be put off in an instant? I can only imagine Ayush with his naughty smile calling me for a second run during one of his charismatic knocks! How could his eyes close? How could his breath stop? Anyway, to all that knew Ayush, let's all stay together and pray for eternal peace to his soul. Heartfelt condolences to his parents and sister. Surprising that the pics below that made me feel proud once, make me weep now! God, W...

It's a time in life, where I stop to smell a rose; I take a little pain, to strike a good pose. At times I wish I had a smaller nose, And put more effort to shave my stubble close. It's a time in life, I turn a new page, A little thought says that I have come of age. I know damn well I am entering a cage, What do I do? I can't be a sage! A lady over here, my theme she bought She seems to be the one I had always sought I am thankful to God, for what I have got, For in her I see, the half I am not. - Anand

Here's a picture of an ad board I found outside my office premises here in Bangalore. Amazing that we understand the meaning, though we know that the spellings have gone for a toss. Do we overemphasize spelling in schools????

Delhi Daredevils lost three wickets for six runs in a low scoring encounter of the IPL 2010. The fight is still on for the second, third and fourth places and each encounter gets more and more interesting. Like an exquisitely directed screenplay, IPL is pacing up the hearts of millions to whom cricket is religion and God is secondary. In many other places, tense ambiences prevail because of the sudden disruption of flights bound to and departing from more than two dozen airports in Europe. A volcano out of Iceland (who in holy halloween imagined a volcano in Iceland!) put clouds of ash as high as tens of thousands of feet up in the air and turned the blue sky dark. Wives wanting to meet husbands, kids wanting to meet fathers, businessmen wanting to attend meetings of paramount importance, all stranded. Charles de Gaulle, Heathrow, Flughafen Frankfurt am Main, where flights take of and land seconds after each other have come to a standstill. Airlines are still pondering over their resch...

Rollercoaster season this! A series of weddings to attend - all at different places. Don't know where to make gifts and where to make excuses. Tough time. Anyway, greatest luck to all tying the knot. On similar lines, I guess these bells (or death knells :P) would ring soon in my house too. My parents are hellbent on seeing their son more responsible. I still feel I am more responsible now and would only become lethargic after marriage. I still doubt it is my grandmom's desire to see her great grandchild that's driving them into this. Anyway, God save the girl! We returned from our annual trip to our family deity's - Kukke Subrahmanya (Sullya District, Karnataka), where my mom said she sought God's permission to find me a wife. Strange sentiment, but I don't think I would ridicule mommy for this thought. Poor lady has been surviving my torture too long to get rational. The resume floating for the choicest bride should start anytime now and what amuses me is the ...